Please heal my broken heart

Dear St. Jude, please heal my broken heart. I pray that nobody will judge me while reading my prayer. I am still hurting after so many years. I thought I am healed but I still feel all the pain I felt decades ago from a mistake I have done. Why does this guy able to get away with all the hurts and pains he’s causing people easily and still be happy so quickly like nothing happened. I thought we can really be good friends again after so many years and to think we are both married now. I may have said some things that was below the belt, have crossed boundaries, or maybe hurt him in some way but I wish he was open and honest with me instead of shutting down on me which hurts more. Maybe he spared me from all the hurtful things he might say if he talks to me. I really thought we can be good friends. I should’ve known better that we cannot because he’s good friends with his ex. The girl he cheated for me and went back to her. It feels like every time he talks to me he remembers all the mistakes he has done. That’s how I feel too it’s like we will never be really happy. Especially showing everyone that we have a special connection. I will forever be a secret and someone whom he will never respect. This hurts so much. Please take all these pain in my heart away. I feel like my heart has been broken by this person so many times. It’s been two decades and I can’t believe he was still able to hurt me this much. I’m really sorry for engaging in emotional affairs. There are days when I really feel so alone and have no one to talk to. There are days when I regret the choices I made. There are times when I am so lonely and unhappy. Even though I engage in emotional affairs, I know I will never ruin my family or leave my marriage. All I want was someone to talk to or maybe I am not. Please forgive me. I was still in love with my past person before I got married and when I got reconnected with my past person it took me years to feel this again. I opened my heart to him and shared with him my life, my hopes, my hurts, my pains, my joys. I trusted him but not fully trusting. It makes me feel so confused and scared. All i know is that my heart was broken once again. He disappeared on me without any warning. Without any argument. Without a word. I feel like he did this because we are done. I expected a lot from him because I put him on a pedestal and treated him as a very close friend of mine. I didn’t know he would think that the friendship I was offering had malice into it. I don’t intend to ruin his marriage. I know you know what is in my heart. I am very happy for him that he has found someone to love him and settle down with. He dumped me decades ago and put me on a third party situation but because I didn’t love myself I allowed him to treat me less. I was so naive back then and was easily manipulated and hurt. I thought after so many years I am healed and will not be naive like that once again. He disappeared on me and to me it was very hurtful and disrespectful. I don’t know what I have done, what I have said, or what I have failed to do. In my heart I want him to come back so we can talk things through but it seems like I am asking for too much. He never really loved me. He never really respected me. I was so blind to see all these things. Please heal my broken heart. I don’t know what to do. I want to be able to talk to him but I don’t want to hear lies from him and I don’t want to be manipulated again. He said he was not holding grudges against me anymore but he was passive-aggressive, was treating me indifferently, and has been giving me silent treatment. Please tell me that this is fair. I don’t know what I have done. I should be the one who’s doing all of these to him but he was the one doing all of these to me. Please make me stronger than this. Help me heal from this quickly. I just want to forget about the past and move on already. This guy hurt me so much and I’m having a hard time explaining the pain I am feeling. Please bless me with your peace. I don’t deserve all the hurt he has caused me. Please take away all the evil things that’s surrounding me. Cut all the cords that’s binding me and him if this is not Gods will. Please help me. Amen