My First Love

Dear St. Jude, There’s this guy who stole my heart for two decades now. Until now I still don’t understand why he broke my heart. He said he loved me before but he was in a relationship. It hurts when he tells me that he did because I don’t feel that it’s real. Because if he really loved me why did we not end up together. I am so lost right now because even our relationship as friends is just so weird and awkward. He gives me hot and cold treatment and I find it so hard to communicate with him because most of the time he ignores my questions and is so nonchalant. I want to get mad at him for breaking my heart, for ignoring me, for treating me badly but I cannot get mad at him. All i want right now is for us to be normal friends but it seems impossible that we will. Maybe because his ex gf who was the lady he was in a relationship with when we were seeing each other is his best friend now? Maybe that’s why he can’t be real friends with me? I just find it so rude every time i ask questions and he ignores it. He most of the time leave my messages on read too and it upsets me but I don’t tell him he does. I just feel like something is off and I’m too weak to stop talking to him. He’s making me look like a fool and I really don’t know why he is like this to me. Is he really a friend to me? Or does he hate me? Please help me handle this situation as well as my feelings. All I know and can feel is that he doesn’t really care about me. Whether he treats me badly. Whether he’s rude at me. And so on. Please help me handle this situation and heal my broken heart and give me peace. I just want us to be normal friends who talks to each other like normal friends. But maybe we can’t really be normal friends because his ex is his best friend right now. Please take away all my hurts and protect me because I feel like a fool and I am too nice for him. I have been wanting us to be normal friends but it’s so awkward with him. Like he has his walls up just observing, not being talkative, leaving me on read, and just ignoring me. Please take all these hurts I am feeling because I want to be free from this soon. Amen.