My broken heart

Please heal my broken heart. For more than two decades now, I thought I have moved on and was healed from all the pain that this guy caused me. I can’t help but blame myself for falling in love with a wrong guy who put me in a third party situation. He was never sorry about everything he caused me and it seems like everything is going to his favor no matter how many ugly things he has done. I know I shouldn’t wait for any validation from him or apology from him because if he really cared he would’ve done it a long time ago. I don’t think I will ever get justice for all the pain I felt from this big mistake that I have done. I fell in love with the wrong guy. I should’ve not allowed myself to fall for him. Without thinking how messy and complicated his situation is. I feel so dirty and I lost all my dignity and self-respect which I think was also the reason why he never respected me. Please heal my broken heart. Every time I remember my past it still make me tear up. I thought I can be good friends with this guy who hurt me so bad but I couldn’t. I think its also because he never treated me right even as a friend. I really thought we can be good friends. I tried taking him back in my life. Trusted him and opened my heart to him once again as a good friend but he doesn’t see me as a friend. He doesn’t respect me, doesn’t care about me, and keeps playing mind games with me. He messed up my mental state so much. He gaslighted me for all the hurts I felt. I really don’t know what and how is the right way to deal with this person. Please help me. I don’t know how to deal with this situation in my life. I am in so much pain and the past keeps haunting me that I don’t even know when will this stop and when will I be happy. I tried wanting to fix things between us so we can be honest about the past and move on but he doesn’t want to help me move on. My heart, mind, and body is so tired of this energy. Its continuously draining my spirit. Please help me. Please heal my broken heart and let me know what ai should do to move on from all this pain. Amen